“Find the Beauty or Create it Yourself”
In like 2007-ish, I was interviewed by a local newspaper about the key to navigating the life of a military spouse. I had thought about that when I was in the FRG (Family Readiness Group) and asked to guide new spouses that were coming to the unit and my answer, my key, was to “find the beauty or create it yourself.”
Some duty stations were harder than others. Like Lawton, OK, for example, was a struggle. Coming from the PNW it felt like a desolate, hot, post apocalyptic hellscape and I was feeling down about it. One day I said “enough!” and I grabbed a camera, my two small kids, and we went driving around Lawton and surrounding areas and found all the beauty I could possibly find. We found a lot. Unfortunately, those photos are in storage, but I do have quite a few favorites from that time. I was able to find and create beauty in a place where I struggled to see it.
Throughout life I’ve had to make these decisions, I could wallow in the anger and misery of a situation, or I could “find the beauty or create it myself.” If I can’t find the good, I need to be the good or create the good. These last few years have been awful for the world, and it knocked me down too, but I couldn’t let it keep me down, I had to rise up and meet it face to face. Not with more anger or negativity, but with light. Along this path of healing I’ve been on, I’ve learned that
I can’t give what I don’t have and I can’t ask of others what I’m unwilling to do myself.
If I want the world to be kinder, I needed to be kinder. If I want others to be more understanding, tolerant, and compassionate, I needed to be those things first. Otherwise, I’m not in integrity. We can’t end hate and judgement with more hate and judgement. We can’t judge the judginess out of people. We can’t hate the racism out of people. We can’t bring light to our world using darkness. Shame, blame, judgement, opinion only breeds more of the same. None of that heals anything or anyone and never will. It may create forced compliance out of fear of various repercussions, for a while, maybe, but that’s not the goal. Healing is the goal. Those who felt forced to comply only come back later with more hate. We have seen this unfold around us these last few years.
2020 was a horrifically shitty year. Shortly after the election I really began to pull back and look at the wreckage and what I noticed is that I was part of the cause of the wreckage. Despite my good intentions, I helped cause the division we see in this country, and in the world. I didn’t know how to fix anything so I looked around to people I admired and followed their lead. These humans were also doing what they thought was the right thing. We were all just a bunch of people allowing our wounded inner children loose on the collective conscious to wreak havoc on the wounded inner children of all other humans. I shamed people for shaming people. I judged people for judging people. I blamed people for blaming people. In ignorance, I pointed at the ignorance of others. Most of politics in this country, and the world these days, is everyone doing unto others what they wish the others weren’t doing to them. The opposite of the golden rule.
If we want a world that is full of unconditional love, we have to be the example of it first. Be the Light.
Abstract piece from Titlow Beach in Tacoma, WA 16 Dec 2021 by me.
My goal for this year. Ask people questions until we can find our compassion for each other. Find the material that mends the gap. “I can’t understand people who think ________.” Find a person who things _______ and start asking questions from a place of listening to understand. Let them ask questions. Come together as two divine beings who have lived completely different lives and try to understand how the other person got to that point in their life. No statements, just questions. From the heart. It will be hard to not react sometimes. It will be a challenge to remain in compassion at all times, to see the wounded inner child of the human I’m talking with, but we’ll just pause and breathe. Ask for a break, then continue. Begin the talk with, “In this conversation, we will both probably get emotional or reactive at times, this is normal, let’s both agree that when we start to feel our pain trigger that we take a break to breathe. Either together or maybe a wee walk alone will be needed.” Also learn to be ok with being uncomfortable. Leaving our comfort zones is how we grow.
That’s not to say we need to let people in our lives who causes pain, not at all. Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries from a place of compassion is not only vital, but very possible. “I see your inner woundings, but until you heal them enough that they don’t wound me, we won’t be spending time together.”
It’s more simple than it all sounds. We either just want to stand up and point and yell and be angry and judge and shame and be our version of “right,” and look “woke” on the internet. OR we want real lasting change where the whole world is filled with compassion and unconditional love. These two energies will never work together and create the healing we want in this world. It’s just not possible.
We cannot give what we do not have and we cannot ask of others what we are unwilling to do ourselves. Meditate, think, journal, or whatever you do, on that and see what you come up with. I would love to hear your thoughts.
